Because You Asked: Marriage & Commitment
Dear Leigh,
I am a silly 30 something year old woman who is probably finding herself in the midst of a mid-life crisis. The problem is: I do not love my husband anymore. And it is perverse. We have a very feminist household. He is amazing in all regards. He is very kind and smart. According to a lot of people, he is also very charming and good-looking.
I am on top of my health - physical and mental, so that can be ruled out. We have also been attending couple's therapy, but it feels like we are stuck. It is just not going anywhere.
I love our home and the life we have built together. I love our children, of course, but I cannot stand him as a man. Every day feels more suffocating than the previous when in his company.
What I liked about him 10 years ago have stayed the same and not evolved further. What bothered me, I now suddenly do not have the strength to tolerate.
I desperately want our marriage, and our relationship to work, but I am at a point where I have run out of ideas. What else am I to do here?
I am afraid to break up the life we have built and the mental health of my children is my priority. I do not want to destroy their world.
I have all the necessary infrastructure to have a relationship on the side, but doing that feels unfair to the other person.
Can you talk to me?
••••••••••
Dear Friend,
You are not silly. You are human. Marriage is hard. It is not always filled with love for one another, despite that being what is portrayed in society. Anytime two people have committed their lives to one another, there will inevitably be phases when the love feels more like contempt, even when our brain knows better. But here's the deal, commitment is getting to the other side of this feeling and looking back, together, after decades and grown children, grandchildren, and more decades...knowing that neither of you ever gave up.
Your spouse most likely feels, felt, or will one day feel about you the same way you feel towards him right now. And it might just be at a time when you really need for him to show up and love you, despite not being at all in love with you. If he is committed to being present, if he is a good partner, if he is kind and supportive... take this as an opportunity to practice getting through the hard parts, because there will always be hard parts, and probably even harder parts still to come.
Find ways to focus on fulfilling what is missing, not from an affair with an external party... but for you, and within you. Fall in love with you, and it will be much easier to fall in love with a spouse who loves you.
In the end, I can only offer advice based on what you've shared. But I've been married 30+ years, have 4 kids, have survived cancer amongst many other hardships, and fully understand what you are describing. Hang in there. If you can accept this emotion as a small part of your lifelong commitment, the reward on the other side is truly beautiful and very much worth it. We are only human, in the end.
Wishing you peace. ❤️
